he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
