so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
