Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my being single is dangerous.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
