my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
