My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
