the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
