I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
