I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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