I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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