I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
