i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
