david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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