i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
