Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
