why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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