First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
