Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
