I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
