oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
