I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
