Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
