My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
