You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
