I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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