i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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