I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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