i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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