And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
