I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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