It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
