4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
