i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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