You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
