I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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