do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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