Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
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