I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
