Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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