she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
