Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
