That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
