Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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