I wish I could teleport
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
