She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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