sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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