Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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