I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
