hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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