i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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