Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
