I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You were trust falling into bushes
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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