Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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