There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
